Saturday | 1 June 2012
Avalon last night with everyone, Steve Aoki was godly. The night however was crap. June has arrived welcoming me with a depression I thought I’d never have to go back to.
Where do I start with? I fucked up real bad last night. My actions, i did them without even considering the feelings of the people around me and how it would affect them. It was selfish and foolish. Because of what i want, to make myself happy, I hurt the people i love and care about unintentionally. What else can I say except sorry? I don’t know how to make it up to them or if I even can. I just come in their lives and fuck things up with my indecisiveness, my insensitivity. So I decided to walk out of their lives, because I don’t deserve to be in them. And honestly, I don’t deserve their care or concern or love, or even their friendship. All they did was love me and care for me, yet I wrecked it all, with my very own hands. It hurts to leave and lose two people who mean so much to me, but staying isn’t exactly an option anymore. I fuck things up once, twice and over again. I can’t even begin to explain how disappointed and angry I am at myself, I just want to hide under my covers forever. These tears, they just keep coming, because I can’t undo the past, and the pain I’ve inflicted on them? it’s irrevocable. I don’t expect them to forgive me, because forgiveness is not what I deserve even if that is all I seek. I sincerely hope they’ll be happy, without me. It was so hard for me to leave, so difficult for me to even say goodbye. My heart is weary, it aches, but I deserve this, I don’t pity myself and definitely don’t expect anyone to. This plight that I’ve gotten myself into, I deserve it wholly. I am so sorry, for hurting you guys, but I guess it’s a little too late to apologise, isn’t it? I am such a horrible person. How did I come to this?
Last night, there was a storm. There was a ship out at sea. The ship rocked against the hard and vicious waves. The sky flashed with lightning, thunder pounding hard and loud like the drum of a heart beating. The clouds were as heavy as a heart can be. It poured, salty, like seawater, like tears. The sea engulfed the ship, eating it into it’s unknown depths, like the constant war between your head and heart where the heart doesn’t win. Throughout the night, the rain fell harsh and it never stopped. But the rain was nothing compared to the confusion and struggle in the waters. The night was long and terrifying but alas, morning came, the sun’s gentle rays seeped through the blue waters. It was quiet and still. But there’s a shipwreck down there, the ship has sunk. There is no hidden treasure on the ship, nothing on it worth keeping or seeking. It has hit the bottom of the seabed and I sunk together along with it, losing not only myself but everything else.
I’d rather not exist.
(Source: vauriele, via radicalkitten)
